Castles in the Sand

Hey guys, sorry I’ve been kind of gone. I had finals and all and didn’t really have anything worthwhile to post. Plus I didn’t do much in the past week. I almost got straight A’s for the first time ever… But as usual I totally screwed up on my Calc test so ended up getting around an 88-89% in that class. Close.. but no A.

Okay now moving on. Today’s rant is about closeness. I have found it surprisingly hard to balance how much to reveal to people. There are only certain people you can do this to that fall under my definition of “decent people”. When you find people who won’t hit you down when you show your true colors you can truly reveal your true self to them. When there is no false act then the people who you reveal to put no stress on you. Even when you need alone time you can confide in these people and feel at peace. At the same time though getting close to people can sometimes be painful. The more I reveal about myself and the closer I get to my friends I begin to wish that my friendship were something greater.

I have often defined and agreed with the definition that a relationship is just an extended type of a friendship. Now, I see that this is not the case at all. No matter how much you bond with your friends, you can never be satisfied. I simply need more then a friend in my life. Although I wish to keep my friendships and want to get closer to them, I still would give the frankness I share with them and channel that into a more personal relationship. BTW just so that I don’t get any misunderstanding I’m not talking about anyone in particular.

Now for the irony of it. As human being we spend our entire lives trying to get closer to our friends and lovers. Yet when we get truly close life becomes boring and we get annoyed and end up drifting back away. If we believe there’s nothing up our sleeves, then nothing would ever be cool.

This is why I would never wish for eternal life. While death does frighten me, becoming omnipotent scares me a whole lot more.

Today’s Song: Man on the Moon -REM
Thought for the day: While we battle for understanding, we live for the journey.

First off background info. The keyboard layout you are most likely using right now is QWERTY (look at the top row of keys). This layout was invented to prevent typewriters from jamming when you typed adjacent letters quickly. We don’t type on typewriters any more so unless your keyboard locks up on you, we might as well use a more efficient layout. This is called dvorak.

Anyhow so now with some inspiration from Trey I have taken it upon myself to learn the Dvorak layout and it’s a pain in the ass. I now type like I’m 90 at about 2 words a minute but every time I type something I can feel myself getting better. It’s quite amazing how much more logical the dvorak keyboard layout is. Oh in addition to re-learning how to type I have to re-learn all the positions for the shortcuts too.

Oh this post is in qwerty btw since my school does not have the option of switching to dvorak.

BTW these have little to do with today’s post:

Today’s Song: Eleanor Rigby -Beatles
Thought for the day: “A fish and monkey and a dumbass… How can I be both at once” T-rey

I had an interesting discussion on relationship advise. What is it that we seek in a person? What is the definition of a perfect relationship?

For some its someone who you have for show. This is the “formal relationship” the relationship put upon two people by society. People our age and actually all ages seem to get caught in these. The awkward asking out, feeling the need to say some cute saying like “hi honey”. These types of relationships are more of formal arrangement then love. They come up frequently and pass just as swiftly. Some people can live their whole lives in this formal strict relationship fueled by the push of society rather then passion or love.

Then there is the opposite type of relationship which is essentially mindless passion. People who are afraid of the relationship status often counter this by being the opposite of this. Instead of forming relationship people flirt with everyone possible. Have sex whenever and with whomever. Purposely break commitments for the sake of “not becoming attached”. This relationship again lacks love.

My personal preference is somewhere in between. A relationship with commitment and a degree of self restraint while still full of passion, understanding and love. The key to getting this relationship is not to “go out” with a person simply because everyone else is but rather find a persona and “go together” for a while. Don’t be afraid to later make your feelings know but at the same time don’t be afraid that you need to. A relationship after all is about you not someone else.

The ironic part about all three types of relationships is that they can never be perfect. No two people can ever truly live together in harmony. No matter how passionate the relationship is at the start it will never last that way, it will change like the tide rolling in and out. So why do people go into relationships anyway?

People go into relationships because they can’t live through life feeling alone. Humans need bonding, we need someone to understand us and to be there for us. Even if it’s hard and even if it hurts at times we still are willing to take that stress and pressure in order to have someone. Not only that, but the main reason that relationships get painful is when we drift apart if ever so slightly. When we are with people who are part of us we are fine but every move away is a heartbreaking pain. Without relationships there would be less pain but also so much less joy. This is not something I always believed but something I have come to believe more and more.

Today’s Song: July Morning
Thought for the day: Is it ever possible to find true love or do we always end up find something like it and settling?

Hey, for some reason I am really out of it today. I have tough finals looming ahead of me and many changes possibly coming up in my future. I also realize that while people hang out with me a lot and such, very few people understand me or even have the possibility of ever understanding me.

People tell me not to worry and that I will one day find someone who will understand you and want to be with you but I figure if my best friends don’t know me then what is the possibility of some stranger doing so. This brings up the question: does anyone ever really understand anyone? and Do we ever understand ourselves?

Well anyhow I dislike these gloomy posts, but I figure if I want people to understand me better I can’t only show them my cheerful side.

Today’s Song: On the turning away
Thought for the day: Is it our feelings that drive our actions or the other way around?

“This is the world we live in
And these are the names we’re given
Stand up and let’s start showing
Just where our lives are going to.” - Land of Confusion, Genesis

This New Year I got a Nikon Coolpix 4800 and have really gotten into photography thanks to it. As some of you may have noticed I have taken a whole lot of really cool pictures. The last couple of weeks I have been around and have taken panoramas that I just now go the time to put together using a cool program that came with my camera. It is really cool cause it samples the lighting of a set of pictures and balances them out and then takes samples of common elements in shots and skews the pictures so that the elements lien up. Bellow are 3 panoramas that I took.

Shot from La Jolla on a gloomy rainy day (01/09/05):

Cliffs by Del Mar overlooking Torrey Pines beach (01/13/05):