Vladimir Artamonov 1924-2005
My grandpa died last Wednesday.
He was truly a great guy. I have heard countless stories about what he did and how he lived his life. Those that never knew him missed out.
I only knew my grandpa for a short time- till I was 6 and I moved away to America- and I am deeply sorry for that, since as a kid we often did not see eye to eye, but as I grew up I know became much closer.
My grandpa was a great guy. He never lost his cool, no matter what little kid things I did to him. I always respect him for that. He was always the voice of reason, the thinker, taught me to play chess - and would even lose for me.
For different people family means different things, under my definition I only have a few members of my immediate family: my mom, my aunt, my uncle, my grandpa, and my grandma - she died a few years back. Now my living family has dwindled to three.
I still have plenty of friends and acquaintances, but there is nothing like the love and comfort you get from those that will always be there for you. An unfortunate part of life is that friends change, but for the most part family doesn’t. I still haven’t reached the part in my life where I add family members and the subtraction hurts a lot.
I am not a religious person, and I don’t think my grandpa was either, so please don’t give me things like “he is moving on to a better place now”, if you believe that don’t tell me. I believe that my grandpa is not going to be alive in some metaphysical place. He is already alive in the lives he touched. That is why it is important to remember and look back, since this is all he has left.
To be honest my main feeling about his death is guilt. I feel guilty for leaving him in an empty home in Russia, for not visiting, for not taking care of him, not knowing him better, not being a better grandson, not even being able to attend his funeral. He deserved to be cared for and loved, and I didn’t do that very much. There are plenty of reasons why but it comes down to final result, he did not get the love he deserved and I should have given it to him.
Like a cripple I relied on the love my aunt gave him, a love I should have given him. She is the one that cared for him these past few years. She is the one who sat on his deathbed as he passed. Now I rely on her to put that final flower on his lonely grave a thousand miles away.
I am told even as he left his world, his final thoughts were about me. I love you grandpa and I hope that you always knew I loved you.
